This morning, a photograph memory appeared on my smartphone from seven years ago. I’ve always enjoyed these little notifications so I’ve kept them enabled. In this particular photograph, all three children were gathered around the breakfast table with warm smiles, bright eyes, and neatly pressed school uniforms. Sarah Kate was happily gobbling down a “daddy biscuit.” She was just 6 years old, I suppose. I texted the photo to Carol because it struck me just how long I’ve been making “daddy breakfasts” for the kids. Time passes really too quickly for parents. I’ve been making “daddy breakfasts” consistently for so long now that I can’t imagine what I’m going to do in the morning when the kids move on to universities. That time is very near now; and where we’ve encouraged the kids to “go” and “keep going,” there is a paralysis that you feel as a parent imagining your life without them - an immediate lump that forms in your throat. “Daddy breakfasts” did not begin with the best motives, but they quickly grew into our family vernacular and culture. Looking back, I am so immeasurably grateful that I get to carry these kinds of memories with me because there are tons of photographs taken at the “daddy breakfast” table. I should see notifications like this one for years to come.

I said that “daddy breakfasts” did not originate from the very best motives so here is the story on that: I clearly remember laying in bed before sunrise one morning about eight years ago, and hearing Carol prepare breakfast for the kids before taking them to school. Sarah Kate had begun kindergarten. The older boys were in second and third grade respectively. Now, I was tired from the prior day’s work - of course - so I felt justified - at first - for remaining in my very comfortable, horizontal position. But I was awake, after all, so I gazed through my glossy eyes over my pillow, out of the bedroom doorway, and towards the glow of the dining room. I could hear the hiss of butter in the frying pan and I smelled the food being lovingly prepared for them by their saint of a mother. I could also hear the collective laughter as they playfully conversed with one another. Suddenly, I felt rather jealous of my dear wife. I also felt a bit “weak” in contrast to my better half. Carol was up and onto the business of the day without a single complaint - as usual. I remember thinking at that moment, “This is what those kids are going to remember… Their dad, just laying there in his excuses - missing out, while their mother - omnipresent in every detail of their development - pressed on as always.” So I resolved right then to make breakfast the very next morning, and a dandy one at that. Yes, “daddy breakfasts” were born out of poor motives.

The first breakfast that I prepared for the kids had to be met with some skepticism, right? “What is this going to taste like?” and “How long is this going to last, really?” I imagine that these were questions on their minds. I know that these were questions on my own mind. But, as the days went on, any skepticism would pass. I started to hone my own craft and record my little recipes. Daddy biscuits. Daddy pancakes, but only on Pancake Wednesday! Daddy waffles. And so on. Now, before you say, “What a conceited bleep-a-dee-bleep…” I have to tell you that the “daddy” brand just kind of happened. I had moved beyond seeking any kind of personal glory after the first few days. Instead, I had quickly come to simply crave the experience of it.. Seeing them come to the table and pull up their chairs... Watching their little eyes for a glimpse of approval or disapproval as they examined their plate and what was placed upon it... And listening to their beautiful, thoughtful, and playful conversations for the 20 minutes that I had to observe them. The best 20 minutes of my day. Within a few weeks, I was carefully arranging place settings, having moved on to “presentation.”

This might all sound a bit pretentious… “Surely he’s spoiled the lot of them,” you might say. Quite the opposite I think... It occurred to me that if I expected my children to bring their A-game before school, then I needed to bring my A-game too. If I wanted them to appreciate the value of “details” and the power of “consistency,” then I had an opportunity to teach something of both notions each morning before leaving the house. These might have been revelations for me, but these were already deep convictions for Carol. She has always appreciated beauty, the finer details, and consistent performance. She was gracious in giving me the chance and the time to develop and express these passions to and for our children. I know that she missed the experience of doing it herself, but by yielding the breakfast prep, she gave me a gift and I am thankful. Setting the table, preparing, and presenting a balanced breakfast was just my chance to contribute something constructive to the day where Carol was already so instrumental in every aspect of their development. In fact, breakfast just continued the experience that they would receive the night before at the dinner table: delicious healthy food, intentional presentation, thoughtful expressions of gratitude, engaging conversation, and lots of laughter - without devices. The family time around the table was simply extended into the morning at breakfast time. And, while I would prepare daddy pancakes, Carol would lovingly and thoughtfully prepare notes of encouragement to accompany each child’s place setting.

I’d like to think that “daddy breakfasts” have had at least some impact on the kids’ academic performance and overall health. Warm food in the morning was my contribution, but the time that they’ve given to each other as they smile and encourage one another at the table, I think, has had even more impact. I think that all of us have been better prepared to meet the challenges of the day, with a more positive mental attitude, by beginning the day in such a social, yet simply traditional, way. So much gets resolved just enjoying a meal together.

Here are some things that I’ve learned and would recommend to other fathers of small children who want to be “present” in a similar manner. Someday, perhaps I’ll publish my recipes and expand on these lessons.

1. Be “consistent” with whatever your schedule allows. As an entrepreneur, I’ve maintained a lot of flexibility to set my own schedule so it’s been a Monday through Friday affair for me. I know that this is not always possible for many. I would simply say that whatever you “can” do, just do it consistently so that the habit forms for both you and for them. If you are home and not outright sick, then just do it - even if you are tired. Get over it - for them - for you. Be consistent.
2. Do what you must to “prepare” your mind beforehand. Shower, pray, meditate, stretch, exercise - whatever “sets” you.
3. Be “intentional.” Being intentional does not mean always getting it right. Quite the contrary. It means “consistently putting forth the effort in order to build the competencies that you lack today.” You will learn and get better at it. The kids will see and know without doubt that you care; that it is important to you to better yourself and to be there for them. That teaches them far more than how to bake a biscuit or fry an egg.
4. Provide a consistent experience. Set the table. Make it lovely.
5. “Show them that you know them” by making any practical “tweaks” to their breakfast according to individual likes and dislikes. Now, I don’t mean to make a separate breakfast entirely. And, I don’t mean to spoil them. I’ve just found that there is value in demonstrating that I know and care enough about them to make simple adjustments if one likes their eggs drier than another. If one doesn’t like pulp in their orange juice, strain it or give them the choice of apple juice. If you do this without being reminded, they will appreciate that you remembered.
6. Encourage dialogue, smiles, and laughter. This wakes them up. It feeds the soul. Play music if you want to. This can be classical, Monday through Thursday, with Rock & Roll on Friday if you like. You pick it. You should know your people. Have fun.
7. Don’t allow devices at the table. If you are feeding their imagination - dad - and not outsourcing it to devices, TV, social media, or video games, then your kids will have things to share with one another. They will fill each other’s souls and yours. There are so many complaints about kids just not knowing how to engage with other people these days. They learn a lot of these social skills at the table.
8. Don’t allow your kids to pick at one another. Nip that immediately if you see it at the table.
9. Make sure that everyone feels “heard” at the table. No one should dominate the conversation.
10. Pray for the day and for each other before heading out to school and work according to whatever custom you keep.
11. Send them off with hugs and kisses. Stand there and wave at them until they are out of sight.
12. Most importantly - but less obviously - preserve peace with your spouse. Preserving peace, demonstrating commitment and security in parental love, practicing patience and maintaining partnership is tantamount to making the most of any kind of table talk. Otherwise, the 15 to 20 minute experience at a breakfast or dinner table will be “cold” even if the food is warm. Family time around a table is “healing,” but you would need a lot more than 15 to 20 minutes if you're not preserving peace with your spouse.